Mello's diary
by Wooly Pig Socks
Summary: Rated T for Mello's bad language, basically a quick look inside his diary on his birthday, Strong hints at violence and MattxMello yaoi.


**just a short fanfiction about mello, I'm always interested in the way people think and mello is a bit of a dark horse to be honest.**

**Written while listening to: you're gonna go far kid by The Offspring**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death note, otherwise Matt and Mello would live under my bed. :)  
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Dear Diary

I thought I'd start my diary now, as today is my birthday, I am now 20. Two decades of being 2nd best, two decades of near beating me, two decades of shit. Damn, I'm being to morbid now. My llife hasn't been _that_ bad. Sure I'm an orphan, but my mum's in a better place now, she's up there in heaven. Dad however, I hope is rotting in hell and has a pitchfork shoved up his ass constantly, he freaking deserves it. Yes I know he is my father and if Matt ever reads this I'm in for one big ass lecture, but not even Matt knows fully what he did to me. He beat us, mum and I, a lot. Said we weren't good enough for him, called us vile things, threatened to kill us. He kept on doing these things, he never relented. Until, one day mum had enough, she stood up to him, she told him to stop. That was the day he killed her.

I remember that day as if it was yesterday, I came home from school and heard my mum screaming. This was normal and I braced myself for when he decided to turn on me. I was crying like the little boy i was when the screams stopped. I heard dad start to cry and I knew something was wrong, he _never _cried. He began screaming my mums name and started ranting about how he didn't mean to kill her. I heard footsteps and the sound of a knife being withdrawn from its holder, a sickening squelch and a muffled gasp.

Since then never once did I think my life was to be peaceful, I knew from the very beginning of my time at that there was no chance of that. Since I was young my life has revolved around tests, L and beating Near. However, since I became Mafia Boss I feel little need to keep trying to prove myself to Near; He may now be in charge of the 'Real Anti Kira Team' as matt puts it, but he is nothing to me now. I have my cronies who are loyal to me, Matty boy and the world at my finger tips. Who cares about that little albino sheep?

I am not saying that there is no animosity between us now, I still hate the little sheep, but he is of little importance to me. I have a better purpose in my life than trying to be L, I know that it is not my place to attempt to recreate to detectives success, I'll let Near fail at that. L has left big shoes to be filled, and frankly, I have small feet.

As I write this I know that the end of my life is most likely approaching, when it is my time I am not going to go down without a fight. I will spit in the eye of the grim reaper and not leave until I have made my mark. However, I pray to God that he spares Matt the indignity of dying at the hands of Kira; he is too good for that mother fucker. Matt has saved my ass so many times I've lost count and I will NOT let Kira claim him.

Kira is going down, no matter what. He deserves more just death, that's too peaceful. If I was in charge of punishing him then I would make him face every woman he's widowed, every child he's orphaned and every heart he's broken, then see if he could justify himself then. I know what it's like to be orphaned and then to lose the closest thing to a father you've ever had, my life has been dark and I will not let any more people suffer that.

Supporters say that Kira is justice, but then surely, if he was justice, how does he look at himself in the mirror every morning? How does he face his family? Or is he like me, fatherless and alone? If so I can see why he wants revenge, but there's always a better way. Well, that's what Roger always used to tell me when I'd tried to exact my revenge on Near for beating me, now I look back and I kinda wish I'd listened.

I'm not claiming to be an angel, far from it in fact, but this is my lot in life and I'm making the best of it. I only kill when I have to, only steal when penniless and hardly ever blaspheme, honestly. However, I know that I have sinned and that I am most probably going to hell, I am beyond saving. It is not just my hate which has condemned me, but my love. How poetic. It says in the bible that to love a man, when you are one yourself is wrong and sinful. If loving Matt is a sin then I'll suffer the consequences for eternity. Matt was the only thing worth living for during a long period of my life.

Here I shall finish for today, I have said my piece and now I am content. However I shall leave you with this. I may only be number 2 in this life, but at least I have lived. In a way I pity Near, he doesn't live, he merely exists. I may be damned; I may be about to die, but hell, what a life so far, eh?

_**Mello

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****So, what do you guys think? I might continue the diary entries, probably only for the important stuff. Also, yes I know that Mello's birthday was three days ago, but I've been ill and unable to write recently. Reviews please :)**_


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